Harry Potter and the Chamber of Food Snatcher
by argenteh
Summary: After a series of dreadfully unconcieved and unfortunate events, Harry is forced to face his greatest challenge yet:  The Chamber of Food Snatcher is open...DIET!
1. The Quicksnacks

After a series of dreadfully unconcieved and unfortunate events, Harry is forced to face his biggest challenge yet:

_The Chamber of Food Snatcher has opened once more...DIET!_

* * *

><p>I lay pathetically on the cold hard floorboard of the Dursley's living room, to weak to rise.<p>

'Keep polishing the floorboards boy! The Quicksnacks will be arriving any second!' Vernon growled scoffing down a cream biscuit. ' Mr. Quicksnack has offered an important business arrangement for Grunnings products but will only seal the deal if his germ-o-phobic wife sees our house is spotless.'

_Why is he telling me this?_ I thought grudgingly as I picked up the fluffy sponge.

'And when your finished you can take you and your baggy trousers upstairs and lock your self in for the rest of the night.' He finished licking his sausage sized fingers which challenged Hagrid's.

'What!' I exclaimed confused, 'but the door requires a retina scan of your eyeball to open and close!'

His beady eyes stared me down, 'Are you arguing with me boy?' He raised a meaty fist.

'No Uncle Vernon' I said dejectedly hitching my trousers to my armpits so I could walk properly and slowly trudged my way over to the stairs.

_Ding Dong!_

'Huh! That must be them!' Harry could hear Aunt Petunia's annoying voice down the hall trying to drag Dudley out of the fridge. 'Answer the door sweetie, Oh no! Your covered in crumbs!' The sound of fat wobbling as she tickled him under his many chins.

'Quick boy out of here!' Vernon gasped in a panic hefting me by the waist and shoving me up the chimney. I choked as I breathed in sooty air.

'Hey that's not fair!' I stumbled back out of the fireplace dodging Uncle Vernon's flailing arms and made for the stairs leaving a trail of soot in my wake just as Dudley opened the front door.

'BOY!'

Thinking, a first for Vernon Dursley, he dragged the plush sofa diagonally across the trail of ash in front of the fireplace knocking over two coffee tables and a pot plant. He hurriedly tried to scoop up the soil but abandoned that as the Quicksnacks footsteps neared the living room. In a final attempt he draped a cream Persian rug over the whole mess and taking his place on the lopsided sofa, hoped for the best. Trying to appear casual he chirped a cheery greeting as Dudley led the Quicksnacks into room their eyebrows raised at the sight.

* * *

><p>I huffed and puffed my way up the staircase then collapsed outside my bedroom door. I cast my eyes mournfully to the complex locks decorating my door. It was going to be soooo boring! I was weighing up my options, I could go play on Dudley's computer, Harry the Hamster was my favourite game, only the volume control was permanently on loud after Dudley whacked it with a spade. My ears pricked as I suddenly heard peculiar chuckling sound coming from the Dursley's upstairs bathroom. '…?'<p>

Abandoning all thoughts of hijacking Dudley's computer, I hesitantly made my way to the closed door. 'S_Hahah..nahnhEEEE!' _Dudley? No he was gobbling down Aunt Petunia's cooking in the Kitchen. If not the Dursley's then who…? '_Gwaoorfff Smooawff Heeza WEEZE!' _Gathering my Gryffindor courage, I grasped the metal handle and quickly swung it open, begging that I wouldn't be scarred for life from whatever was going down inside.

'EEEEEEHHHHHHHH!' I was immediately struck by an ear piercing screech. A tiny creature with enormous eyes and bat ears clothed in a mouldy pillow case sat on the Dursley's expensive porcelain toilet obviously deeply engrossed in Aunt Petunia's old gossip magazines before I interrupted, they were piled high under his stumpy legs that couldn't even reach the tiled floor. I felt my mouth open widely in surprise.

'OUT! OUT!' It squeaked in an extremely high pitched voice, but that may have been from the panic, 'DOBBY-TIME! DOBBY-TIME!' A toilet roll lobbed itself at my head and the door snapped shut as if by magic.

I blinked stupidly at the closed door my mind still processing what I'd just witnessed. There were several seconds of silence before the bathroom door creaked open.

'Harry Potter! Dobby is most honoured to meet you sir!' The creature, or 'Dobby' bowed so deeply before me in the door frame that his abnormally long nose bashed into the floor.

'Oh HAGRID'S NOBBLY KNICKKERS!' He cursed clutching his nose, I jumped back as a large torrent of nose blood erupted from his nostrils.

He gasped at the dripping mess on the floor his eyes growing impossibly wide. I had only enough time to gulp before he launched himself at my chest spraying blood and dobby bogies everywhere.

'AAAHH! Get off!' I struggled to bat him away as he flung his wiry limbs round my neck stopping my air supply. Great globs of ruby red splattered across Aunt Petunia's pristine white walls and vacuumed carpets and ON ME. He clung on tighter and began bashing his head against my skull, 'Hey stop it!' I overbalanced as my trainers suddenly slipped up in the bloody puddle at my feet, arms windmilling I tried to grab the towel rail but missed by inches and crashed into the bath.

'Dobby is sorry,' he wailed from atop my chest completely unharmed.

'OWW! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!' I screamed spotting my black eye in the mirror, but Dobby not taking heed of my anger simply brushed himself off unconcerned.

'What are you doing here? What ARE you?'

His bauble eyes latched onto mine, 'I is Dobby, Dobby the House Elf!' He squeaked giving me another bow, I dodged away as his nose nearly stabbed me in the eye. 'I come to warn Harry Potter! Harry Potter must not come back to Hogwarts School!'

I blinked in surprise, 'WHAT? WHY!'

'Big evil follows every step!'

'That doesn't even make sense!' I protested scrambling to my feet, Dobby flew off me landing on top of the toilet.

'Harry Potter must PROMISE!'

'NO!'

Dobby shook his head sadly reaching into a hidden pocket, a large brightly wrapped package emerged covered in golden snitch wrapping paper. I caught a glimpse of Ron's messy handwriting on the tag.

'Promise…or Potty's pressie go flush-flush.' His large toe pushed the button threateningly.

_He wouldn't!_

In slow motion Dobby launched off the toilet top Ron's present clutched high above his batty ears, he twirled, then slam dunked it down like a professional basketball player towards the bowl, _Ahhhh!_ I desperately dived forwards my fingers outstretched.

_CLUNK!_

_**FLUSH!**_

* * *

><p>(DOWNSTAIRS)<p>

'-Yes! And then I told Mr Nibblet that-'

FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!

'I say! What on earth is that!' Cried Mrs Quicksnack eyeing the roof with concern.

FLUSH! GARGLE! 'NNNOOOOOOOO!'

'Oh, don't mind that its just the cat!' Vernon said hurriedly. 'EErrr…terrible constipation.'

The Quicksnacks' eyes widened and Dudley choked on a biscuit.

* * *

><p>Dudley came in the room to gloat at me again. I snarled at him from between the bars of the giant bird cage dangling from the ceiling of my room that the Dursley's had bought for me especially. He squealed like a pig and waddled out in fear to the kitchen. Feeling pleased (for once) at causing Dudley discomfort I popped my aching spine. I had been forced into this detainment for a whole night! And even I had to admit, my chances of freedom weren't looking good; I had a better chance of defeating Voldemort or coming back from the grave!<p>

I tried to coax Hedwig over, but failing that threw a napkin at her which she snatched up in her talons. The napkin was an SOS to Ron, my pal, who until yesterday I thought had deserted me. (Stupid Dobby). I only hoped he was smart enough to read it and not use it as the usual purposes as a napkin.

* * *

><p>Harry's owl Hedwig zoomed in from the kitchen window onto my plate, sending my favourite meal of the day (breakfast, obviously) all over Percy's purple spotted pyjamas. A speck of bacon grease splatted on to my cheek; Hedwig considerately held out her talons in offering…<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Harry's troubles have only just begun... Please Review, we'd LOVE some feedback! <strong>


	2. Adventures of Don and Larry

**And now for Chapter 2...**

* * *

><p>I screwed up my face in distain and scooted as far as I could across the worn leather seats away from Ron-Who-Had-Flubberworms-For-Brains in the back of Mr.<p>

Weasley's car. I still couldn't believe he had literarily left me _hanging _fromthe Dursley's ceiling for almost a WHOLE week! It is fortunate Hermione had reminded him to

remind his Dad to pick me up from Privet Drive so I could spend a well deserved break at the Burrow. I guess it's kind of unfortunate that I spent most of my time

avoiding my so called best friend and not actually relaxing. I even resorted to doing my summer homework to ward the guy off, well I pretended to do my homework

at least, but it still counts! The lengths I went too! Of course after to fiftieth apology I might have put our grudge on hold to play some Quiditch but that's beside the

point! I've been waiting all summer to bust out those wicked cool aerial moves.

Of course Ron had to sit next to me on our way to the train station. He was persistent I'll give him that. I amused myself by drawing awesome cartoons in an old diary

Ginny gave me while Percy and Fred argued in the background. After seeing my dark moods around the Burrow she seemed to decide that I had a great need to vent

my feelings especially after I almost beat up Malfoy's stupid Father. He had stabbed my toe with his stupid cane AND whip lashed me with his freakishly shiny hair as

he shook his head in denial. If Hermione hadn't held me back by the scruff of my neck he would have been history! I purposefully angled the pages so Ron could see

my original character 'Don', who had sooooo many freckles his face looked tanned, get locked up in a massive hanging cage with spikes while my other character

'Larry' also known as the hero, sun bathed and ate expensive candy below. He frowned as he looked down at my handy work then opened his mouth as if to ask a

question, but before he had a chance to, my masterpiece disappeared into nothing! It's as if Don and Larry never existed! My jaw dropped and my eyes stung

uncomfortably (in a manly way damn it!). Was it pick on Harry day or something?

Some neat writing appeared but I slammed it shut and shoved it into Ron's lap. He touched it last so he had to take care of it! Ron seemed to understand that for the

sake of a peaceful car ride, he had to get the thing out of my sight. He shoved it into a lunch box Mrs Weasley had filled to the brim with corned beef sandwiches for

me and Ron on the train ride. I guess that was kind of smart of him, we both knew we were buying lunch I guess. He leaned over and awkwardly patted my hunched up shoulder willing way my distress. I gave a final sniff and relaxed; I guess Ron was okay sometimes.

* * *

><p>After an eventful ride, we arrived at the station in the nick of time and more importantly, Ron wasn't my ex-best friend any more. We had come to some kind of mutual<p>

agreement and I cancelled my carefully made plans of ditching him for Nevil or Trevor as soon as we got to Hogwarts.

With these thoughts in mind I rolled my trolley behind the Weasley hoard beside Ron to pass through the barrier and board the platform. A lot of nearby muggles were

shooting some really inquiring looks that I let it roll right over me all to use to the attention even though their gazes weren't at this time directed at me.

We were about to follow his family through the barrier when Ron nudged my arm. 'Look!' he tried to whisper but everyone on the platform heard anyway. He pointed

to a woman animatedly chatting into her earpiece mobile. 'Harry! Look at the mad muggle talking to the air!' His face was awed, 'Wow! Just like Charlie said-'

I slapped a hand over Ron's mouth to get him to shut up. Everyone. I repeat, EVERYONE! Nearby was staring at us with expressions portraying concern to fear.

A stuffy businessman that reminded me of an average sized Uncle Vernon audibly complained about the 'no-good, drugged up hooligans of the younger generation'.

The woman who started this whole ordeal with her obnoxious talking obliviously slotted in some coins to a vending machine, still chatting away! Ron kept gesturing

wildly at her as I hadn't yet removed his hand. And I definitely wasn't going to grant him freedom of speech any time soon if I could help it. I, the infamous Boy-Who-

Lived, breathed in but my mind was drawing a blank on what to do.

I could only fathom one solution...

'Everyone look over there!' I shouted suddenly and pointed. The gaping crowd turned to see what the messy haired boy gestured to behind them. I grabbed the

trolleys and, yanking Ron behind, legged it for the barrier hoping for the best ignoring Hedwig's chirp of surprise. I was unexpectedly thankful for all that speed

cleaning I had been forced to do all summer for the Dursley's, as even I was impressed by my amazing swift getaway. Huh! Those people would only blink and see

that I'm gone! Problem solved. I could see the painted bricks of the platform wall already! I could taste the-**BAM**!

* * *

><p><strong>A cliff-hanger for you! What will become of our young hero's?<strong>

**Please Review for more!**

**PS. Have a fantastic Christmas everyone!**

**xxx **

**genta**


	3. Coming Crossfire

**The Coming Crossfire. **

**Two uploaded in one night? Unheard of!**

**Now, please enjoy.**

* * *

><p>I stormed into the Great Hall literarily causing the ceiling above to cloud over in angry purple. I can't believe them! Drips of dirty water and mud poured from my robes<p>

leaving a slippery trail behind. I made a beeline for the Gryffindor table which was already tucking into lunch. Ron looked up to Ginny, cramming more chips and beef

onto his overloaded plate. I mentally prepared my opening rant to Ron and Hermione, life was so unfair why Dumbledore would agree- ! –My mud covered foot slipped

across the polished floors carrying me sliding forewords. 'AHH!' I screamed in warning and a first year barely scrambled aside inches from being knocked flat. My other

leg shot out to gain back control before I – **WHAM**! I smacked into a pile of gangly limbs and red hair.

'BLOODY HELL!' Ron just managed to bellow as he toppled over the bench backwards. We both thudded sickeningly into the floor. The whole school stopped. OW!

Ron's elbow jabbed into my ribs as he scrambled to his feet brushing mud off himself his entire face red.

'Harry what-?' He began to stutter, but was drowned out by waves of hysterical laughter. I glared up from my place on the floor noticing that most of the uproar was

led by the Slytherin table, pacifically Malfoy and his gang. I half heard Professor McGonagall's attempts to settle everyone as I crawled painfully to the Gryffindor bench

and took a seat next to Ron who was still a little pink. Even Ginny's face was glowing though she had no part in our mass embarrassment! It was like Mrs Weasley's

Howler all over again! I flinched a little at the memories I desperately wanted to repress and I vowed to never have her rage fully targeted on me. I desperately

hoped that I was still be welcome back at the Burrow after the stunt Ron and I pulled with the car. We were lucky enough not to be expelled despite Snape pushing

so hard for that outcome. I looked up at the staff table to catch eyes with my 4th Mortal enemy. He twisted his thin lips into a smirk that almost made me shake with

rage. Dean and Seamus shot me a sympathetic look between chuckles as I grabbed a bread roll and bit down angrily. Suddenly I remembered my news and turned to

face Ron and Ginny.

'You'll never guess what happened to me at Quiditch practice!' But to my surprise BOTH of them tuned me out to busy shooting daggered glares at each other. Huh?

My eyes darted between them puzzling over what I had missed. Suddenly Ginny let out a tremendous snort and doubled over flat on the table bursting with shouts of

laughter.

'It's not funny!' Ron growled at his giggling sister. Then it hit me and my eyes widened in realization. Ginny's face must have been beat red from holding in-

'HAHAHAHA!' She crowed half trying to cover her mouth and clutch her side.

'You wouldn't like it if it happened to you!'

'Guys, guess what!' I interrupted trying to prevent the Great Hall from turning into a wrestling stadium. Their moment seemed to pass and each of them turned back to

their lunches leaving me hanging out in the silence_ Maybe they just want me to tell them what happened, because they can't guess, because it's too tricky!_ I began to

cave in 'Professor Dumbledore in his wisdom-'. _No Harry, _I told myself, _I mustn't give in. _'Ron?' He picked at his food. I turned my attentions to Ginny to see her

scrambling around in her bag through papers and notes. Fine! I definitely wouldn't be telling them anything! Serves them right. '_PROFFESSOR DUMBLEDOOR CHANGED_

_ THE RULES TO ALLOW TEACHERS TO PLAY TOO! I HAVE TO TEACH HAGRID TO MOUNT A BROOM BY TOMORROW!" _I exploded, unable to hold it in any longer. Ron sat

absent mindedly pushed beans across his plate, while Ginny was still searching for something in her bag. Are they ignoring _ME_? Just as things were about to get ugly

(for the two red heads that is) Hermione breathlessly wedged herself between us a look of panic painted on her face.

Her back clunked on the floor. 'You've got to help me!' She cried desperately, 'My library books are missing and they're due back in ONE WEEK!' She glanced around at

the three of us ignoring the snickers from the other students around the table. With her frenzied eyes and the way her hair fizzed out statically, I thought she was

about to have some kind of malfunction I half expected smoke to start pouring from her ears. I edged myself away. 'Please, help me look for them!'

'Of course _I_ will.' Both Ron and Ginny replied at the same time.

'Thank you so much! It's just with all my extra assignments…I'll make it up to you somehow.' She then quickly turned made her way to the great doors of the Hall. I

stared after her, a look of confusion on my face. _One week?_ _She has A WHOLE WEEK to find her books and she's already panicking? Merlin!_ I felt a tense crackling in the air

and turned to see the youngest Weasley siblings at it again. _Honestly! _Wait. Did I just-? Too much of Hermione was rubbing off on me. The hate waves increased

tenfold and I abruptly jumped from the table muttering an excuse that no one heard except maybe Nevil and Trevor and started after the bookworm. It was safer then

sticking around waiting for my head to blow off in the coming crossfire! Besides, I bet she would appreciate my story.

* * *

><p><strong>PLEASE REVIEW and tell me your thoughts, we (that is me and my sis) actually wrote this chapter first 2 years ago, and for some reason I always think this is weaker for it...Oh well it's uploaded now anyway. <strong>

**Oh, on another important note, 2 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS! **

**Thanks for reading this far,**

**argenteh **


End file.
